thanks for the memories

Not so long ago I was chatting with one of my mamas. I said that I couldn't believe that her daughter was going to be in grade 3 next year; it seemed so grown up. And she commented about how she remembered grade 3. Me too I said. What did we remember about grade 3? Quite a lot as it turns out. And grade 2, I vividly remember a lot of things about grade 2 (I had an amazing teacher that year). We were quiet for a moment, processing what this meant. In our most glib way we joked about how we'd better step up and actually start taking this parenting thing seriously. Damn, our kids are actually going to remember stuff! No more parenting freebies - now we're playing for keeps! Our glibness belied the fact that not so deep down this realization had freaked us out a bit (actually a lot).

Of course parenting matters right from the moment our little nuggets are born but knowing that memories they will carry with them for life are now being formed is a heavy responsibility. And for this reason it feels like my kids are currently residing in two different worlds. Molly is still in blissful pre-schooler land where there is plenty of drama and heartache but it comes and goes in the blink of an eye; sometimes before the tears have even dried. Sure she remembers stuff, most little kids have freakish ability to remember seemingly endless bits of minutia, but not in the way that leads to enduring memories. But for Gabriel, some of what he experiences now is going to be there in his memory for a very long time. Perhaps forever.

So, I feel acutely, more than ever, the need to get it right. The guilt of wondering if I got it wrong. Because if he is going to remember, what he learns now needs to be worth remembering. I know that every aspect of my parenting can't be perfect and that no matter good it is he will still probably remember the day(s) Mummy yelled. The disappointments. The heartaches. The times I get it wrong. Geesh. Much as I am loath to admit it, I know now for sure that everyone who told me newborns were a piece of cake compared to the struggles to come was 100% right. And yes, I know, I've still not faced any "real" struggles...yet...

But so as not to end on a heavy note, I have to say it is of course a wonderful thing to know that many of the good things Gabriel experiences now will become happy memories. Maybe even things he will tell his own kids about. Most parents have had the experience of taking a 1 year old some place amazing and feeling a regretful pang knowing that there is no way that 1 year is going to remember a damn thing about it. If you've ever spent your hard earned money on a plane ticket for an 18 month old, you know what this feels like. So I smile knowing that a lot of what Gabriel experiences now will become part of his happy memories. That more than ever, the efforts we make as parents and the opportunities we struggle to provide will affect him positively.

The good news is your kid is going to remember how awesome today was. The bad news is your kid is going to remember how crappy tomorrow might turn out. So, as the old saying goes, we take the rough with the smooth. And all this thinking about memories has made me realize how important it is to take good care of my future memories too. So I'm trying to hold on to every wonderful thing that happens. And trying even harder to forget the crappy moments; when I yell at my kids, or burn the last 2 toaster waffles or step on Lego (goddam pointy little bricks...). I'm learning lots of hard lessons right now, but to haul out another tried and true platitude, I like to think of my parenting glass as half full.