Just to be clear I have but one actual Mama*. And she is Mum or Mummy - never Mama or Mom. I love her dearly and she truly is both a magnificent mother and friend. But that is perhaps another post. The maternal types referred to in the title are not in fact my mamas biologically speaking and truthfully I don't think I can really claim possession of them. But these mamas are my network, my support system and my "co-workers" (really - we even had a holiday party. But without the actual office part). And none of what I just said in that sentence really sums up what these mamas mean to me. In this post I will brag about "my" mamas while knowing that many moms are lucky enough to find a group of like-minded mothers that they click with. I know we are not the only group of supportive, friendly, wine drinking, socializing mothers out there. But in the way that every mother knows that her kids are the cutest, I know that I am right when I say that my mamas are the best (and also the cutest).
Of course I see my mamas, at least some of them, almost every day and so I think about them a lot. But the start of a new moms and babies group at our school really got me thinking about the bonds mothers form. I was watching the moms and babies arrive the other day, mostly one by one and I got nostalgic thinking about when I went to my very first moms and babies group when Gabriel was about 2 months old. Those moms saved my sanity. Literally. Right about that time my doctor diagnosed me PPD and while I know anti-depressants helped, it was meeting those moms and sharing experiences with them that really made the difference. I felt about a thousand times better from the first day I met them. Over the years we've mostly fallen out of touch mostly because almost all of us have since moved from that neighborhood. But I will never forget those moms.
So watching the moms walk into the school I couldn't help but wonder if there was one among them who was going to have her sanity saved. If this was going to be the beginning of a whole new network of mamas. I hope so. Because like many moms I know how an awesome gang of mamas can change your whole parenting experience. For the better.
My mamas - the best. They really are. For one thing I enjoy each and every one of them as a person. They are people I could have been friends with under any circumstance. We're a delightfully mixed bag of bags (ahem); some at home, some at work, some doing both. Professionally our backgrounds are varied. But our kids are all roughly the same ages (in some cases best buddies) and they all go to one of two neighborhood schools. Aside from actually seeing my kid at 3:30, the other highlight is seeing what mamas are going to be around and enjoying a quick chat. If the weather's good we often hit up the park and we all enjoy chatting and ignoring our kids together. Over the years we've had semi-regular wine evenings and shared a number of parties and outings. But the socializing is only part of the picture. Any mamas can chin-wag and drink wine. Here's why my mamas are really the best.
Perfect example two days ago. I was totally wiped out having been up half the night feeling sick. Molly's birthday was on the horizon (today in fact!) and I needed to bake various things for her various celebrations. And Jono was (and is still) in Texas working. It was a shitty rainy day so I thought of inviting two of Molly's buddies over (they are brothers) to play. Instead, their awesome Mama invites Molly to play AND offers to feed her lunch. Did I mention that these brothers also have a 2 year old sister? So that's going to be 4 kids under 6 in her house on a rainy afternoon. And I got to go home and make cupcakes - alone. Awesome right? Totally saved my butt and gave me a break on a day when I was feeling like absolute crap (of course by "break" I mean that I baked a million cupcakes, roasted a squash to make soup and cooked a chicken for supper).
And this is totally typical of my mamas (in fact just today another awesome mama hosted my kids at an impromptu Friday party.) We make each other dinner, look after each others kids and generally cover each others asses. I always feel like I'm receiving more ass covering than I'm giving but I know we do things for each other in ways that are not always directly reciprocal. You do for me and I end up doing for someone else. We all know that it's a karmic circle of mothering and childcare.
So I love my mamas. Part of the reason I knew I could quit work and be happy at home with the kids was knowing that I'd have these mamas as co-workers. Parenting can be isolating especially when you stay home full time. You need other adults to interact with. You need that friendly ear and the reassuring response that tells you that someone else's kid is totally doing that weird/worrying/annoying thing too. Having another mother and her kids over for a play date and a cup of tea can turn even the most blah day into something a whole lot better. And when that mother then offers to take your kid back to her house for dinner, a movie and a sleepover, well, then you know you hit the jack-pot. I truly mean it when I say I'm rich in everything but money. I'm definitely rich in mamas**.
*I also have an AMAZING mother-in-law whom I adore. And not just because she helps look after my kids. She also gives me free facials ;)
** new mamas are always welcome!
April 15, 2011
April 12, 2011
zero income? really?
I sometimes like to say (well, maybe "like" is the wrong word) that we are at times a "zero income" family. Really? Well, technically yes. My employers (Gabriel and Molly) are generous in many ways. Financially generous is not one of those ways. Jono works free-lance as a television production manager. So, if he's not working, there's zero income. When people find out about this slightly loopy situation I often see a distinct look of disbelief flash across their faces. Sometimes people say "oh, you're so philosophical not worrying about your situation". I think what they really mean is "why the *&$% aren't you worried???". Truth is I am sometimes but no matter what anybody else thinks, I know we made the best possible decision for our family. Are we crazy? Irresponsible? Stupid? Perhaps. But let me tell you why I believe we are not.
So, how does one get to become a zero income family by choice? What is the thought process that would lead seemingly sane and rational adults to choose to live with such financial insecurity? Well, in our defense let me say that I have tried every variation possible when it comes to paid employment. And by every variation I guess I really mean full time and part time. After my maternity leave with Molly I went back to work full time and that felt really swell (honestly it did!) for about 2 months. And then it just started to feel really really stressful. My job as a doer of everything at a small consulting company was exceptionally time consuming and emotionally demanding. Neither Jono nor I had a 9-5 existance so almost every day we played a game of chicken to see who was going to leave work first to be home at 6 so our caregiver could leave. And it was pretty much always me that threw in the towel and headed home leaving a pile of incomplete tasks. Doing work from home in the evenings (at least checking email) was pretty standard. It felt like I had about 2 hours a day with the kids and I was rushing them off to bed so I could deal with some work issue. I felt disconnected from their lives and totally stressed out. We were all eating lot of rice and fishsticks. It was like I was doing a crap job as an employee and as mother. So with Jono working a relatively long term contract, we decided that I would quit.
In retrospect I picked a bad day to tell my boss I was quitting. Many wacky things were happening and she was about to head out of town. But she was often on the road so I sort of had to seize the opportunity when we were actually in the office together. Her response was "no, you can't quit, will you work part time?". I probably should have said "no" knowing full well where that would lead but I thought "what the heck, if it doesn't work out I can quit - again"! So I worked 2 days a week. And for a while I really did only work 2 days a week and it seemed like I'd found the best of both worlds. But not surprisingly work got increasingly hectic and more and more of my time at home with the kids was spent trying to do my job. Molly would nap and I'd park Gabriel in front of "Thomas" and I'd try to squeeze in some calls and emails. A friend started watching Molly while Gabriel was at school and pretty soon I was working the mornings of my 3 days at home.
After about 8 months it became clear things the "part-time" thing wasn't working. But things were totally crappy on the work front for Jono. So we made the decision for me to work full-time again. And of course then Jono found an awesome gig and then we were scrambling to try and sort out child care. We cobbled together this crazy hodge-podge of mother-in-law and daycare but we still had one day a week with no childcare. That day was super exciting! Every week was a fun game of "what's going to happen on Thursday"! More playing chicken over who would sacrifice work time to do childcare. Stressful is not the word. After about 2 1/2 months I was losing my mind. I was disconnected from the kids and our weekends were a whirlwind of chores and errands - not fun family time.
It was the Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 and I remember breaking down in tears knowing that I had no will to go on like this. It was clear that my job could never be part time (hell, it was more than full time!) so there was only one choice left** - I had to quit. Again. When Jono said "quit your job" and handed me a Kleenex it was like a million tonne weight was lifted off my shoulders. So, after calling Jono about 5 times to make sure we were serious, I quit. Again. My boss didn't try to talk me in to staying this time. We both knew we'd tried all the options. To her credit she'd given me a tremendous amount of flexibility to try and make some variation of my job work for both of us. Having tried so many options, I knew what was going to work best for our family - a parent at home full time.
18 months later and we still know we made the right decision. Jono's work has been pretty steady but it's mostly shorter contracts so we are constantly wondering what's going to happen next. We had some savings and well, now we don't really. I can't say it's not stressful, because it is frankly. But we like to say it's a better quality stress. We're all happier and healthier. The weekends are devoted to family. Jono's work is really crazy and me being at home allows him to use whatever non-work time he has to just be with the kids without having to worry about doing anything else. For now, this works for us. Someday I'll go back to work. But I'll figure that out later...
When I was in grade 2, my class had a "special of the week". The special person would be interviewed and our teacher filled a big sheet of lined paper with all the information about you. I remember you even got to choose the marker colour - I chose red. I also remember what I said I wanted to be when I grew up - a mother. Turns out my grade 2 self was right. But I do wonder how things worked out for the all aspiring fashion designers, marine biologists and astronauts...
**Now, you might be thinking "why didn't Mr. Freelance remove himself from the job market and stay home with the kids?". Indeed we considered that but unlike me Jono actually liked his job. His income was better and well, how shall I put this...he didn't really want to stay home with the kids full time. He's an amazing Dad and he totally could do it, but he didn't really feel he'd be satisfied by it the way I knew I would be.
So, how does one get to become a zero income family by choice? What is the thought process that would lead seemingly sane and rational adults to choose to live with such financial insecurity? Well, in our defense let me say that I have tried every variation possible when it comes to paid employment. And by every variation I guess I really mean full time and part time. After my maternity leave with Molly I went back to work full time and that felt really swell (honestly it did!) for about 2 months. And then it just started to feel really really stressful. My job as a doer of everything at a small consulting company was exceptionally time consuming and emotionally demanding. Neither Jono nor I had a 9-5 existance so almost every day we played a game of chicken to see who was going to leave work first to be home at 6 so our caregiver could leave. And it was pretty much always me that threw in the towel and headed home leaving a pile of incomplete tasks. Doing work from home in the evenings (at least checking email) was pretty standard. It felt like I had about 2 hours a day with the kids and I was rushing them off to bed so I could deal with some work issue. I felt disconnected from their lives and totally stressed out. We were all eating lot of rice and fishsticks. It was like I was doing a crap job as an employee and as mother. So with Jono working a relatively long term contract, we decided that I would quit.
In retrospect I picked a bad day to tell my boss I was quitting. Many wacky things were happening and she was about to head out of town. But she was often on the road so I sort of had to seize the opportunity when we were actually in the office together. Her response was "no, you can't quit, will you work part time?". I probably should have said "no" knowing full well where that would lead but I thought "what the heck, if it doesn't work out I can quit - again"! So I worked 2 days a week. And for a while I really did only work 2 days a week and it seemed like I'd found the best of both worlds. But not surprisingly work got increasingly hectic and more and more of my time at home with the kids was spent trying to do my job. Molly would nap and I'd park Gabriel in front of "Thomas" and I'd try to squeeze in some calls and emails. A friend started watching Molly while Gabriel was at school and pretty soon I was working the mornings of my 3 days at home.
After about 8 months it became clear things the "part-time" thing wasn't working. But things were totally crappy on the work front for Jono. So we made the decision for me to work full-time again. And of course then Jono found an awesome gig and then we were scrambling to try and sort out child care. We cobbled together this crazy hodge-podge of mother-in-law and daycare but we still had one day a week with no childcare. That day was super exciting! Every week was a fun game of "what's going to happen on Thursday"! More playing chicken over who would sacrifice work time to do childcare. Stressful is not the word. After about 2 1/2 months I was losing my mind. I was disconnected from the kids and our weekends were a whirlwind of chores and errands - not fun family time.
It was the Thanksgiving weekend of 2009 and I remember breaking down in tears knowing that I had no will to go on like this. It was clear that my job could never be part time (hell, it was more than full time!) so there was only one choice left** - I had to quit. Again. When Jono said "quit your job" and handed me a Kleenex it was like a million tonne weight was lifted off my shoulders. So, after calling Jono about 5 times to make sure we were serious, I quit. Again. My boss didn't try to talk me in to staying this time. We both knew we'd tried all the options. To her credit she'd given me a tremendous amount of flexibility to try and make some variation of my job work for both of us. Having tried so many options, I knew what was going to work best for our family - a parent at home full time.
18 months later and we still know we made the right decision. Jono's work has been pretty steady but it's mostly shorter contracts so we are constantly wondering what's going to happen next. We had some savings and well, now we don't really. I can't say it's not stressful, because it is frankly. But we like to say it's a better quality stress. We're all happier and healthier. The weekends are devoted to family. Jono's work is really crazy and me being at home allows him to use whatever non-work time he has to just be with the kids without having to worry about doing anything else. For now, this works for us. Someday I'll go back to work. But I'll figure that out later...
When I was in grade 2, my class had a "special of the week". The special person would be interviewed and our teacher filled a big sheet of lined paper with all the information about you. I remember you even got to choose the marker colour - I chose red. I also remember what I said I wanted to be when I grew up - a mother. Turns out my grade 2 self was right. But I do wonder how things worked out for the all aspiring fashion designers, marine biologists and astronauts...
**Now, you might be thinking "why didn't Mr. Freelance remove himself from the job market and stay home with the kids?". Indeed we considered that but unlike me Jono actually liked his job. His income was better and well, how shall I put this...he didn't really want to stay home with the kids full time. He's an amazing Dad and he totally could do it, but he didn't really feel he'd be satisfied by it the way I knew I would be.
April 6, 2011
tofu is tofu
Picky kids. Peeved parents. Blah blah blah. I share the grief of food struggles but I'm not gonna' write a word about how to get your kids to eat better/more/politely. Mostly because I don't know how. But, as I made dinner the other night I was thinking about the amusing food lies parents, myself included, tell kids. My personal favorite "no crackers, dinner will be ready in 2 minutes" (uttered as water is just about to boil). Mainly I was thinking of all those "sneaky" foods that parents are currently being urged to prepare. Personally I'm not into the effort but occasionally I step up and try to stick a few extra nutrients in. But what I do enjoy is dreaming up answers (and watching others do the same) when confronted with questions regarding the contents of say, a given muffin; Nooooooo, no, those chunks are NOT sweet potatoes. What are they? This is how stay at home mothers (theoretically the ones with time to sneak potatoes into muffins) keep their minds limber. Given that I'm too lazy make purees and sneak stuff in, I don't often have to lie about individually suspicious ingredients. Mostly I lie about what something actually is. Here are some of my favorite fibs and fool-ups (mine and others) -
- All juice is concentrated and needs to be diluted.
- Quinoa is couscous. Bulgar is couscous. Every grainy side dish type thing is couscous. Because they like couscous.
- For my niece there was only "chicken". Thanks to her we never had "turkey", not even at Thanksgiving.
- At our house chicken is chicken but pork and beef are "meat"
- In a story that is now family lore, my nephew once demanded "fruit". After many offers of everything from oranges to kumquats, it turned out that "fruit" was cherries.
- Frozen yogurt is ice cream (actually I think that's kind of true).
- Yogurt is pudding.
- Gnocchi is pasta.
Now, even though I'm too lazy to be "sneaky" doesn't mean I don't want my picky kids to eat better. I also want us to eat less meat. But I don't want us to eat pasta every night (though I can think of one person in our house who'd be totally cool with that). So, maybe you can guess where I'm going with this...TOFU!
Some months ago I found a recipe for tofu and thought maybe maybe maybe I could get the kids to eat it. It was a) fried and b) had sugar in the marinade, so I had reason be hopeful. So I bought a block 'o tofu and made sesame tofu sticks. And put them on the polar bear plate and the tiger plate, put those plates in front of their respective owners and waited. Naturally I was asked "what's for dinner". (Do all kids do this even when the food is on the plate in front of them?) But what was for dinner? Was it "chicken"? "Meat"? I couldn't believe I hadn't thought up an answer the whole damn time I was cooking. So you know what I said? "It's tofu". And you know what else? They ATE IT!!!!!* But I still lie plenty. Though it is good to know you can sometimes get away with the truth.(*Okay, I admit I brag a little about the fact they will eat tofu but I figure I've earned the right to tout this triumph in the face of innumerable food failures past and present. Molly's food hang-ups could fill a long and very depressing book. She only drinks apple juice, eats exactly the same thing for breakfast every day, won't eat pasta with any kind of sauce, won't eat most meat, won't eat apples with skin, won't eat eggs...the list goes on and on. )
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